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Dear OkCupid,

It’s been real, but I’m out of here. I have to thank you for the occasional entertainment, for the consistent distraction, for the illusion of prosperity in a land of paucity, for the sporadic ego boost — but mainly you have been a perpetual reminder that dating sucks and that douchebags are everywhere. Even on the girl side of things.

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Hm. Sorry, but I’m not sure that someone who is deep wears an “I Love Beaver” shirt. I also have to say that I was disappointed with the sheer excess of women shoving their tits and asses at the camera. Lesbians, I thought better of you!

Guys, on the other hand — I always knew you had the sleaze in you.

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So as long as we’re breaking up, OKCupid, I’m going to break up with Tinder, too, because I don’t have time for those reindeer games. I know lots of people love the idea of mindless hookups, but my take on that has always been that if you want a one night stand with me, you’re going to have to pay — and these days, sorry, honey, you can’t afford it.

I have zero interest in giving that stuff away for free. And these days, I have zero interest in giving it away, period.

I’m sorry, OkCupid. I’m sorry, Jeffrey. I’m sorry, Ms. I ❤ Beaver, but I’m out. I deserve better than the likes of you.

xoxoDahlia

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