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Dear OkCupid,

It’s been real, but I’m out of here. I have to thank you for the occasional entertainment, for the consistent distraction, for the illusion of prosperity in a land of paucity, for the sporadic ego boost — but mainly you have been a perpetual reminder that dating sucks and that douchebags are everywhere. Even on the girl side of things.


Hm. Sorry, but I’m not sure that someone who is deep wears an “I Love Beaver” shirt. I also have to say that I was disappointed with the sheer excess of women shoving their tits and asses at the camera. Lesbians, I thought better of you!

Guys, on the other hand — I always knew you had the sleaze in you.


So as long as we’re breaking up, OKCupid, I’m going to break up with Tinder, too, because I don’t have time for those reindeer games. I know lots of people love the idea of mindless hookups, but my take on that has always been that if you want a one night stand with me, you’re going to have to pay — and these days, sorry, honey, you can’t afford it.

I have zero interest in giving that stuff away for free. And these days, I have zero interest in giving it away, period.

I’m sorry, OkCupid. I’m sorry, Jeffrey. I’m sorry, Ms. I ❤ Beaver, but I’m out. I deserve better than the likes of you.