Julie may have lost sight of why she started this quest in the first place, but I’ve been blindsided by recent events. I know (and never forgot) why I reactivated my OKCupid profile this time around.
To be totally honest, I did not do it to find love. I gave up on that a year ago. I stuck my toe back in the online dating waters out of support for my friend and as a way to generate material for this blog. After all, dating is a fascinating subject. Men are so easy to (and worthy of) scorn. I’m an amateur anthropologist, so studying the rare beasts that make up the Los Angeles dating scene is, while painful and often nauseating, still a wealth of material.
But I was never actually looking for love, much less dates. I was incredibly passive. I rarely initiated contact with the men or women out there, I screened them like mad before agreeing to meet, I insisted on several emails and/or texts and often even a phone call. Out of all the potential prospects, I only ended up having actual in-person dates with two men and two women, and with one exception, I never saw any of them again, a fact with which I was totally fine.
Because I was not looking for love.
Unlike Julie, I had accepted the fact that my partner was not on OKCupid and also not in Los Angeles. I mean, after seven and a half years, one starts to get the message. And I had accepted it. I was fine with it. I have more than enough work to fill my waking hours (and I could seriously use more sleep), so who has time for dates? Who has time for the seeking and the heartache and the hoping and the uncertainty and the vulnerability and just the sheer nonsense that dating entails? Not me, that’s for sure. It simply is (and was) no longer a priority for me.
One day, I thought, I’ll find a partner, but this is not the time and probably not the place.
And then, about a month ago, when I had my OKCupid page open, culling material for my weekly blog, the robots behind OKCupid decided to alert me to the fact that one of my favorites had recently answered some more questions. A random fact about me is that — and this may be a shocker — I don’t find myself terribly interesting. One of the things that I cannot stand to do is answer questions about myself. I find it hopelessly boring. So I have rejected the OKCupid algorithm by refusing to answer more than fifteen or so questions. But this girl, she had answered 250 questions. That blew my mind, and so, without even thinking about it, I messaged her, incredulous at her perseverance and patience. I didn’t even think twice.
And so it began.
Without realizing what was happening (and, trust me, if I had known what was happening, it is more than likely that I would have checked out weeks ago), we started getting to know each other. Online and then in real life.
Unexpectedly and without warning, I have been forced to confront the reality that I have fallen for someone. Hard.
I did not set out to find love, and that word is not yet in our particular equation, but what I have found is someone with whom I am completely fascinated, someone with whom I am completely smitten, someone whose face I cannot stop staring at.
And it leaves me wondering just how much say we have in what we find, anyway. Maybe the OKCupid robots really do know best? What a terrifying thought.