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My friend Julie in Baltimore decided to dip her toes in the OKC waters, which inspired the two of us to go at this together. Much like workout buddies, we are there to remind each other to hold our heads high and not to give up — and to share some of the insanity that runs rampant on the Internet. We also thought it would be interesting to compare and contrast the Los Angeles and Baltimore dating scenes.

Because some of this material is too good not to share, we’ve decided to share it with you in the form of weekly highlights. You’ll get them until either one of us finds love (don’t hold your breath) or gives up (more likely).

Albert Einstein famously said that insanity was doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. So after week after week of this:

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From guys like this:

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I decided things had to change. That, plus the three (four?) guys who asked for my number last weekend and not only didn’t call, but simply disappeared after getting it (PS. Guys, the phone number isn’t the holy grail. If you think that’s all you want, you haven’t met me.), left me thoroughly disillusioned with this whole OKC universe. And when I say disillusioned, I mean that Julie and I talked about bringing someone new on board to represent the West Coast because I was done. After all, I am not insane (see above). I know when to call it quits. I’m not gonna hit my head against this OKC wall until I put myself into a coma (although a coma would be preferable to dates with some of the guys out there).

So I threatened to pull the plug — and then I realized, I had one thing left to try. Maybe all I had to do was get rid of the guys entirely. After all, OKC lets you select the sex of the people you are looking for. What if I merely selected “girls only”? Would that get rid of the douchebags and the jerks, replacing them, instead, with wonderful, articulate, intelligent, adorable women? Would I be elevated into some blissful, Amazonian universe?

Not so fast, lady.

WEEKLY RECAP
Dates:  0
Phone Calls: 1 (with a guy, ironically)
Messages: Too few! Where the ladies at?


BEST OPENING MESSAGE

I’ve been racking my brain trying to come up with something amusing/insightful/clever to write but it hasn’t happened yet, so I guess I’ll just be truthful 🙂

Your profile is amazing; I really enjoyed reading and I can definitely see why you gravitated towards marketing & writing and/or your inherent prowess in the aforementioned areas.

[ Okay I think I used enough big words to assert my level of intelligence 😉 ]

Also, the OKC robot says that we are not only highly compatible but also 0% enemies, so there’s that (for whatever it’s worth.)

What was your role during your rock band days? Did you sing? play an instrument?

[I like the thoughtfulness, the sweetness, the humor, and the questions, so I know what to say when I write back.]

WORST OPENING MESSAGE  
Hi.

PROGRESS (OR LACK THEREOF)
Okay, so I know there are hot ladies in LA. But where are they? One of my sources tells me Long Beach. Another source tells me that they’re here, just all coupled up. But according to OKC, the only girls in LA (and oh my god, there are so many of them) are the girly girl lipstick femme types (not my type) or the Renaissance Faire regulars (also not my type).

Also (pro tip) the girls only section of OKC appears to be full of S&M opportunities (also not my type). Like so:

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And so:

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Or this kind of lady (and yes, that’s her profile picture — and the word “blaze” is part of her screen name — and OKC thinks we are a 79% match):
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And lots of photos of women showing off their tits and asses (yes, boys, apparently lesbians enjoy that, too, although I can’t say that I do):

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All of which is a little discouraging. I never thought OKC would have a shortage of candidates. I thought it merely had a shortage of viable candidates. But the girl scene is not what I had hoped it would be. One of my friends, who loves the girly girl type, said she feels like a straight guy at a liberal arts college. For me, however, it’s slim pickings.

I’ve never combed through page after page of OKC matches without finding anything, but that’s what it’s like now. There are a few, here and there (like the one who wrote me the nice message above, and another with whom I exchanged a couple messages yesterday, and of course, the one who trampled on my heart), but it’s grim.

I’ve even tried Tinder, and there’s an app I don’t understand. I select people, they select me, and nothing happens. I write to them, and they don’t respond. Am I missing something here?

Apparently, it’s tough out here for a girl looking for another girl. Much harder than I expected. And after this last week has shown me, girls will break your heart just as recklessly as guys will (if not more so). Girls will prove more evasive. Girls will definitely prove more complicated. And girls are very, very picky.

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One of the reasons I stopped dating women was because I didn’t think I’d ever find one who would give me the alpha dynamic I desperately wanted. But after seven years of failed heteronormative relationships, I’m ready to try something new.

Now if I could only find it…

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