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My friend Julie in Baltimore decided to dip her toes in the OKC waters, which inspired the two of us to go at this together. Much like workout buddies, we are there to remind each other to hold our heads high and not to give up — and to share some of the insanity that runs rampant on the Internet. We also thought it would be interesting to compare and contrast the Los Angeles and Baltimore dating scenes.

Because some of this material is too good not to share, we’ve decided to share it with you in the form of weekly highlights. You’ll get them until either one of us finds love (don’t hold your breath) or gives up (more likely).

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This week was a sad week in LA on the OKCupid front. It was sad for two reasons:

1. It was light on comedy.
2. It was light on substance.

There was just a lot of disappointing mediocrity and quite a few people vanishing into the ether. This is a phenomenon that drives me crazy about online dating. You message with someone a few times, and then you simply never hear from them again, just as you think you might be gaining traction.

The highlight of the week has to be the guy in Baltimore who wants to be both my and Julie’s slave. But for logistical and self-preservational reasons, neither of us are taking him up on that.

WEEKLY RECAP
Dates: 0
Phone Calls: 0
Messages: Countless

BEST OPENING MESSAGE
How’s it going this fine Saturday night? Gotta say lady it certainly sounds like you’re blazing quite the unique and chameleon-like multimedia approach to LA living — Or at least marching to the beat of your own drummer, as they say…

(Unless of course you actually happen to be the drummer in your punk rock band, in which case marching wouldn’t be very punk rock, now would it?)

What originally brought such a hardcore mixed-interest New York gal to little ‘ol LA in the first place?

Was it a crazy predilection for doing your High Holidays on the Beach? A mad thirst for soaking up the sunshine while getting your west-coast yogi on? Perhaps you got tired of fighting for your grocery bag’s life inside the Chelsea Market?… Come clean now… Did Mayor Bloomberg’s twitter rants run you out of town?

I kid, I kid…

So in-between the PhD moments & marketing magic, what’s a vibrantly redheaded novelist pen these days? Sounds like you might have some stories to tell…

In the end, it’s all about the stories, now isn’t it?

Enjoy the rest of the weekend!

WORST OPENING MESSAGE(S)

    • Ÿ2 bi guys here.. both think you are VERY sexy. Wed love to have you join us;)
    • ŸYou, my lady, are a handful
    • Ÿare pigs and dolphins related??
    • ŸYou’re rad! But…you kind’ve scare me which makes me interested in some weird way.
    • ŸHi There. I hope this letter finds you well…I feel like i know what i want in life and out of a relationship, i know this through past mistakes, lets just call them learning experience.I am XXX and i am new to online dating.being new to online dating i suggest that one should be totally honest with each other.You have a wonderful profile which I so much chersish and made me venture into messaging you dear and i would love to know more about you.If you would like to keep in touch you can text me on {+1 (614) XXX-6801},i will like you to text me directly to my cell since i wont always be on the dating site.. thanks for taking your time to read. I would send you more pictures of me. Hope to read your text soon at : (614) XXX-6801


AND THEN THERE WAS THE SLAVE
[This qualifies for both best and worst opening message.]

Too bad you live all the way in LA. I would totally offer to pay you to be your houseboy 🙂

BEST SELF SUMMARY
Vintage 1977 male…Aged in California for the past decade and a half and best experienced before the quantity of one runs out.

When first poured has a big initial taste that’s quite flavorful and filled with an adventurous spirit and a positive outlook on life. Starts off confident, but not cocky, while at the same time being well grounded, educated, and perhaps even a bit worldly too.

The intense flavors combine for a gentle and smooth organic approach to life that appreciates the surrounding landscape and is also easy on the pallet. The easy going start to the glass shouldn’t be mistaken for being overtly simplistic or too mellow — Rather this is quite a complex vintage that offers the ability to be both the favorite drink that you reach for at the end of a long day and the perfect compliment to your most memorable moments.

Subtle hints of unique life experiences and overtones of an entrepreneurial outlook come through on each subsequent tasting, however multiple servings are required before a bit of sarcastic spiciness can be detected.

At sunset you might detect a hint of the ‘glass being half full’, which underscores a strong sense of individuality.

Presentation: Trim and fit bottle with low-key packaging that surprises even true connoisseurs, but beneath the surface lies the hard work of a boutique vintner. Cork is 100% real but normally presented with easy-going mellow modern labeling that’s pleasing to look at, but also can be dressed up on occasion.

(Ok, so ‘Cork is 100% real’ might be getting a little carried away with this whole wine thing… but you gotta have a sense of humor, right???).

History: Young sapling was grafted and planted on the East Coast (NYC, NJ, Chi-town, DC, Detroit, Cleveland — Yes, Cleveland! Yikes), but transplanted to California (Bay Area) before high-school, where it grew into a one of a kind vine built around passion and creativity. Bottled at USC on the film and television line…. Today usually can be found producing and directing tv documentaries in various parts of the known world… (malaria shots = yah)… Enthralled by the arts, but find it hard to be snobby about them. Also has strong primordial urge to be enjoyed near bodies of water — Particularly oceans at dusk. Winemaker spent the last decade living & exploring different parts of California — Ask about it.

Pairings: Best served to someone who smiles whenever possible, who sees the inherent beauty in the everyday, hopefully enjoys traveling, and isn’t afraid to have open and honest adult-styled level communication. (Been there, done that with the none communicating types & not so interested in trying it again)…Nor overly keen on pretense or those consumed by the all-mighty dollar. Pairs well with someone who has a strong sense of personal identity and knows what they’re after in life… Scored an ENFP if you’re into that sort of thing.

Can be enjoyed during time spent with family and friends or after physical activities such as hiking, working out, road cycling, mountain biking, motorcycle rides or hanging at the beach. Fitness and being active is a large part what keeps this vintage true to its roots.

First and foremost, looking to be inspired… In whatever guise, ethnicity, or genre she happens to appear… Would eventually like to find a like-minded wino for future meaningful lifelong-collaboration and ideally someone who appreciates the concept of being eventual ‘teammates’ and is equally enticed by their own passions in life…

[Just wow. Awesome.]

WORST SELF SUMMARIES

      • ŸI’m single, not looking for casual hookups, don’t use capitalization when i type, and this is my first time trying online dating.
        [Should I be impressed by his strong stance against capitalization?]
      • ŸHey there! I’m a drama-free girl and shy, so I thought this would be a great place to find some new friends to have fun with. I’m currently “seeing” a guy and would love for another girl to come hang out with us.
        [PS. She’s a second-grade teacher. This makes me uncomfortable. I also hate “hanging out” as a euphemism for sex.]
      • ŸHi. I’m an LA native born and raised by the beach. I went to college in Chicago as a history/political science major and I’m currently working as an administrative assistant at a law firm. I have my own place and car as well and I’m successful and know what I want from life.
        [He’s 22.]
      • I’M REALLY GOOD AT
        Music
        [ŸSelf-summary left blank, this was the only thing on his profile. No self-summary at all is the worst. At least try. Otherwise, why should I try emailing you back?]


THINGS THAT MADE ME GO HMMM…

      • THE PRE-OP TRANSEXUAL
        I am 5’7″ 114 with dark eyes and dark hair (usually, roommate/best friend works in a salon). I am a ladyboy which means I am transgendered, I have NOT had a sex change operation. I am a ladyboy, or in the USA they use the term pre-op transsexual. I am looking for someone older 35+ that is VERY nice and find intelligence a big turn on.
        [I think I could do a female to male, but I don’t think I can deal with a man who wants to be even more feminine. Lord knows, there are already too many emasculated men over here.]
      • ŸOFFERS TO MOVE FROM MICHIGAN AND COLORADO
        [Should I be flattered?]
      • FIRST MESSAGE(S) TOTALLY ENTHUSIASTIC, SECOND OR THIRD ONES, NOT SO MUCH
        First came this: “Hi beautiful, how was your weekend? Love the red hair!!” I replied, chatty and gregarious. Then came this: “My weekend went well, just relaxed with some family…nothing to exciting.” How can I respond? Sounds of dying conversation are ringing in my ears.

And that was the end of that.

This happened several times. One guy [Mr. Vintage 1977 Male, see above], who sent me two massively long, slightly-manic emails, switched gears for his third:

“Detroit=Cold.”

That’s not even a sentence. That’s an equation.

And that was the end of that.

Sometimes I wonder if these people ever want to get off the dating site.

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