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east-vs-west-flyer (1)

So as followers of my blog already know, I’m an online dating veteran. And when I say veteran, I’m talking about bruised, beaten, scabbed, and psychically destroyed by the various delights I’ve encountered online over the years.

I was going to turn my profile off when one of my blog readers encouraged me to leave it on. Her logic was that I could just be very discerning about whose messages I responded to, but that it wouldn’t actually hurt to leave it (and myself) open. Her intentions were pure and idealistic, but thanks to the best that OkCupid seems to offer, my intentions have gotten a little skewed.

I’m still open to the possibility that sane, normal, well-adjusted people exist, but, these days, OKC seems to argue the opposite.

Somehow, despite my experiences, my friend Julie in Baltimore decided to dip her toes in the OKC waters, which inspired the two of us to go at this together. Much like workout buddies, we are there to remind each other to hold our heads high and not to give up — and to share some of the insanity that runs rampant on the Internet. We also thought it would be interesting to compare and contrast the Los Angeles and Baltimore dating scenes.

Because some of this material is too good not to share, we’ve decided to share it with you in the form of weekly highlights. You’ll get them until either one of us finds love (don’t hold your breath) or gives up (more likely).

Julie from Baltimore will go first.

From Julie:

BEST OPENING MESSAGE:
I could go two ways with this. The first route to get me to write back is to show you actually read my profile and that we have things in common. Humor is a big plus and literacy is mandatory. Rampant spelling and grammatical errors and I won’t write back. Period. So this got me to write back right away:

“I can understand why you dislike corn-based ethanol fuel from an economic policy perspective. But have you tried it over ice with some club soda, lime and muddled mint leaves? Refreshing! It might change your perspective. But I mainly wanted to compliment you on your taste in music. It’s perfect. And by perfect I mean very similar to mine. I saw Sleater Kinney on their last tour, and Wild Flag not long ago. They were a lot of fun, but I’m still hoping for an SK reunion.”

The other way is to write something that gets my pulse racing a bit. Again, it still needs to be well-written. “Yr” or confusing “You’re” and “Your” will NOT work. So I was intrigued by this: “The things I’d do to you ” and “Do I really want my hands in your hair as much as I think I do?”

WORST OPENING MESSAGE:
The opposite of what I want is this: “Hi miss how you doing miss ?l hope you enjoy your time .i see you have nice profile and beautiful pictures ,the reason why I like to know you more if that’s possible,happy new year !!!” Nothing showing they read my profile, bad punctuation, poor sentence construction, and calling me “miss” doesn’t work either. Calling me “sweety” is also a deal breaker.

BEST RESPONSE TO “WHAT I’M DOING WITH MY LIFE”:
“I am doing what I love, being a history professor at a small college.” Short, sweet, communicates what he’s doing and, most importantly, that he’s happy with his life. Someone who is good with their life and doesn’t need a partner but wants one is a big turn-on.

WORST RESPONSE TO “WHAT I’M DOING WITH MY LIFE”:
“I work”.

(This is from a guy who was a 0% Match, 96% Enemy but still liked my profile. What the fuck?!?!)

PROGRESS (OR LACK THEREOF):
So Mr. Club Soda, Lime and Muddled Mint Leaves and I IM’d for two hours on Saturday, which was wonderful. We have a plan to talk on the phone tomorrow night which has me a bit nervous as voices are a BIG DEAL for me in terms of finding someone attractive, which we discussed. I’ve exchanged messages with a few other guys, most of which haven’t led anywhere because we didn’t click. If you don’t get me with your words, you’re not going to get me.

I also IM’d with another guy on Friday night. IM’ing led to sexting which I now know that I am NOT going to do again with someone that I haven’t met first (sorry, guys). It started off fun, but got less so when
1. He kept trying to find out the exact street I live on
2. He kept bringing up having morning sex before we go to work on Monday after I made clear I was *not* going to do that.
3. He kept repeating the same dominating phrases. Peppering such an exchange with “Tell me you want it” or something similar *can* be exciting. Repeating that sort of thing over and over gets exhausting and slightly creepy.

WHAT I LEARNED FROM OKC THIS WEEK:
First, I learned that I’m more old-fashioned and less “kinky” than my OKC “Personality” tab says I am. I know, it’s shocking that the metrics of a free dating site aren’t 100% accurate. I also learned that polyamory is MUCH more prevalent than I imagined, so much so that I needed to put a disclaimer than I am *not* interested in being involved with someone in an “open relationship” on my profile after being contacted by several married guys. I also learned that I am a magnet for submissives, probably because I score high on “aggression” and “kinkiness” on my Personality tab. I don’t want to manage folks at my job, I certainly don’t want to manage anyone in the bedroom. However, I do have some heavy objects in my basement that I need removed. Hmmmm….

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