DOMINATRIX (In which I learn about desire and recognize my own limits.)

My friend John introduced me to a girl named Jessie—a cute, pale East Village rockerchick who also worked nights as a dominatrix.

“You should really come along with me for a session and check it out,” she offered. Jessie grinned at me as we sat, stool-by-stool, at Niagara on 7th and A, John mixing drinks for the rest of the clientele. He kept glancing over at us, a smirk on his face. I think he was getting some kind of thrill from the idea of me slipping into the vortex of sex.

“Not tonight because I’m exhausted, but maybe next time?”

I had to admit I was intrigued. I also had to admit I was terrified.

She told me some more about the things she did.  Intense would be an understatement.  She did the standard things—dildos, cock and ball teasing, whips, spanking, verbal abuse—but those were par for the course for a professional NYC dominatrix.  I expected nothing else. There was one  “standard request,” though, which totally freaked me out. Apparently, some men got off on having things stuck into their urethras.  I couldn’t imagine wanting something stuck in there, much less doing it for someone else. I tried not to cringe too obviously in front of her. I was desperately trying to play it cool. As if I did this kind of thing all the time.

Jessie reassured me that I wouldn’t have to do everything, but the more things I didn’t do, the fewer clients I’d have.  That made complete sense, but I still didn’t feel reassured.  I just kept thinking some requests would really be Out There—and personal interaction was something I was trying to get away from.  That’s why I’d stopped stripping, after all.  Was I totally crazy to be giving this a shot?  Was it a sure-fire recipe for a head fuck?  Would I be able to be a dominatrix?

It made me think of something one of my friends, an ex-heroin user, had told me: part of the high comes from the score, the thrill of the chase.  Maybe I didn’t like things that came too easy? Maybe I needed things that scared the fuck out of me?

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