I checked out Jeff’s website today to see if my pictures were up. They were. How bizarre. They had named me Jacqueline. I didn’t know how well that suited me, although with all the makeup, I did look sort of French. I had suggested Karla, liking the idea of continuity, but they weren’t interested. For whatever reason, they thought that Jacqueline was more appropriate.
It was weird to see myself naked, spread-eagled and pornographic, on my computer monitor, but not as weird as one might expect. I guess once you get involved in this sort of thing, you forget how other “normal” people might react to it. You lose perspective, forgetting that your behavior might not be entirely appropriate. I had told my friend John briefly about my Delmonico experience, and he couldn’t believe how nonchalant I was about the whole thing, but it didn’t seem that strange to me. I took off my clothes and kissed a girl while someone took pictures. Big deal. So what?
Was there something wrong with me for thinking this way? Were my morals out of whack? My self-esteem, maybe? Was I just looking for something other people already had, or was it that I needed something they didn’t? I didn’t have any answers. Just a lot of questions.